Beautiful Disaster
by CailinNollaig
Summary: /"Hi, Hermione. My name is Brenda Jones - you can call me Brenda. Try not to think of this as a shrink visit, but rather talking to your friend." Hermione gazed at her evenly. How patronising. Hermione was eighteen, not twelve./


**Beautiful Disaster**

Hermione fidgeted as she sat in her chair, wary that every word would be assessed and every movement was being watched. She hadn't wanted to come here, she had been forced. It had been 'mandatory', but Hermione thought it ridiculous that she had to go.

She was perfectly fine, besides some obvious problems and grief, she was like any other person after the war. She knew Hogwarts was just ensuring every student was safe and sound, but it bothered her that she was one of the students chosen for the programme.

To return to Hogwarts, Hermione had to see a psychologist.

Glancing at the shrink, Hermione conceded. Perhaps it wasn't completely _ridiculous. _She had been through a lot and was wound rather tight -- perhaps this would do her some good.

She wasn't sure where to start or what to say, so decided to let the professional start. She looked like a stereotypical shrink; high bun, square glasses and a casual looking suit. She was observing Hermione silently, and with a glimpse at her desk, Hermione noticed the woman's name was Brenda Jones.

Brenda Jones glanced down at her notepad, then placed it on her desk. She turned to Hermione, "Hi, Hermione. My name is Brenda Jones -- you can call me Brenda. Try not to think of this as a shrink visit, but rather talking to your friend."

Hermione gazed at her evenly. How patronising. Hermione was eighteen, not twelve. "I'd rather think of it as a shrink visit."

Brenda looked uneasy, then gave a bright smile. "Okay. Now why don't you tell me a bit about yourself?"

Hermione exhaled; this was he chance to unleash all her secrets, without fear of them being leaked. "Patient confidentiality counts, right? No matter if I'm being _forced _here or if I'm best friend of the hero?"

"Of course it counts. Now, you call yourself the hero's best friend. If I recall, you're quite the hero, too."

"Depends on which way you look at it. Harry's a true hero though."

"We'll asses why you don't look at yourself as a hero next week -- but first, tell me about Harry. He's your hero, and best friend?"

The girl glanced down and blushed, "He's not my hero. He's just my best friend; he's Harry."

"Do you have a good relationship with Harry?" Brenda asked, and picked up her notepad again.

"How could I not?" Hermione asked rhetorically. "I've spent months with him, running from Death Eaters and planning Voldemort's fall. I've been best friends with him for nearly nine years -- of course we've a good relationship." She hesitated to continue, then looked uncomfortably at Brenda, "Patient confidentiality, right?"

"Of course."

"Well -- I… I don't really know if our relationship is _more _than just friends. You know?"

"Why don't you start of telling me what Harry is like, then move onto this relationship."

Hermione sighed and sat back, thinking of Harry and their memories. "He drowns in his dreams -- an exquisite extreme, I know. He--He's as damned as he seems, but with more heaven than a heart could hold.

"But if I try to save him, my whole world could cave in." Hermione shook her head, "It's just not right."

"Your whole world could cave in?"

"I could get lost in that depression he's falling into, instead of pulling him out. I could lose him after a fight. I could lose all of our friends -- it's.. the possibilities are endless."

"From what I've heard of Harry, he's quite impressive. Very powerful, but still a lovely person."

"He's magic and myth.." Hermione smiled, trailing off. "He's as strong as what I believe. A tragedy with more damage than a soul should see. But do I try and change him?"

"You love him for who he is, though. Changing him wouldn't--"

"I know.. But I wish I could make him happier."

"Is this where your sorrow stems from, Hermione? People have told me you seem quite sorrowful at times. Is this where it comes from?"

"Perhaps." She replied cryptically.

Brenda nods, "Yes. And why haven't you pursued anything with Mr. Potter, if you so clearly want to?"

"I just… I don't know what he's after. He's so beautiful… such a beautiful disaster." She finished sadly. "But if I could hold on, through the tears and the laughter… would it be beautiful, or just a beautiful disaster?"

"Only you can answer that, Hermione. I think we need ask why you are so afraid of failing this relationship."

"Because I'd lose him."

"You don't want that." Brenda observed.

Hermione snorted, "Obviously."

"The war has taken its toll on you, Hermione. More so than the rest of us, and I can see it plainly on your face, in your words and even the way you carry yourself. But you need to trust in yourself, and live for now. There's no one looming ahead that's out to get you -- you can live life."

"I haven't been for so long though… My life has been revolving around Voldemort for so many years that I don't know how to live without him.."

"But you can live life with Harry. It seems to be like you love Potter; by the way your expression turns when you talk of him, the way your eyes light up and you become animated. Your indecisiveness is not because you're afraid for you, but for him.

"It could be a beautiful disaster, but it could also be something _beautiful_."

"It's not that simple." Hermione replied uneasily. "Our mutual best friend wants to date me.. And his sister loves Harry. I could never betray them."

"Try putting yourself first for once, Hermione. You don't always have to think about everyone else, you don't need to anymore. Put yourself first." Brenda shifted and then stood, stretching languidly as she did so. "We'll talk more about this next week, and also your insecurities and fear of failing -- which is abundant. This week though, I want you try and live."

Brenda studied the young girl, who was fidgetting with her sleeve and biting her lip anxiously. The older woman smiled, "Perhaps it's time to find out if it would be a beautiful disaster or not?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Very open ending, but I just thought the song suited the situation. What do you think? I may continue it on in the future, but it is a one-shot for now.

Some words from this belong to the song "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson -- and, just for the record, it doesn't belong to me. J Because I'm sure you nearly made that mistake.

xCNx


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